The Courage & Honor essay scene in the movie Blind Side – Michael’s words are about 1:45 into the video. Honor!

Check it out on Youtube:

http://youtu.be/xVbSQpoFDb0

Bring anger and pride under your feet,
turn them into a ladder and climb higher.
-Rumi

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain
-Gavin Gardener

Everything will be okay in the end… and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end
-Valentine

Well, for Valentines Day this year, Nicole and her lawyer submitted a motion to require joint counseling. The court date is tomorrow afternoon… The petition included all manner of distortions, lacked any detail as to it’s claims, and made no reference any provision for counseling within our final court papers…

I visited my lawyer and was told the motion is baseless – the court cannot compel my presence at her counselor, or any other counselor, or any such additional provision that was not addressed in the original parenting plan, divorce agreement, or final judgement. Any change to require such a provision requires a supplemental petition for change, which first requires a substantial change in our situation… My only change is being substantially healthier! Her changes have been very detrimental to the boys, but again – no more so than expected when one chooses adultery.

Maybe its an indication of how out of control she is now in my life. After all that happened last year, this year my focus is being the best dad possible for my boys, to ‘let go and let God’ handle the rest. And I am well!!

I guess I’ll be back for an update on this one…

UPDATE:
Ok, I got away from this for a while… I had been doing really well, then back to court, then the judge said OK to her joint counseling request… He did this under the premise of ‘best interest for the boys’, which if appropriate, makes all our court paperwork meaningless. But whatever, I wasn’t going to appeal the judge vs. a fast session with the counselor.

Though it was a huge set back mentally as I re-evaluated ll the crap she’d put us through, and how she might want to present her twisted tales, I had to be ready. This could only be happening if she was seeking a change in custody. The counselor would confirm her intent to me as well.

Youtube channel: Giavanni Ruffin

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from
A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

More at the Youtube channel DailyMotivation

“Was it that I went to sleep

Thinking of him,

That he came in my dreams?

Had I known it a dream

I should not have wakened.”
Ono Komachi

(Working in the garage, this dropped out of an old box…)

Wesley,

Have a good night,
Nicole

Nicole,

Wesley

Boys not home this weekend. Days are long, longer than usual ~ and they can be very long. I didn’t feel great to begin with after having one or both boys home sick, now my turn… I tried to stay focused on some work, let a couple of movies run in the background – both featured broken families with a new rich person in wife’s life, the dad made to look like much less – though he saves the day in the end!

I did get to see both boys at football Saturday morning ~ some great runs for the older, some great play time with the younger! I had balls in the car for his expected request – he’ll choose soccer or football, so he choose to play soccer with a football! Nicole, who doesn’t even say hello or goodbye in emails, greeted me with expressive enthusiasm – maybe a suggestion from that counselor.

Anyway, I had shorted my prayer and meditation time this weekend, and I slipped in being able to hold strong. Don’t get this wrong – a slip now is still skipping-down-the-street compared to not so long ago, but it does make the weekend longer!!

Earlier to bed tonight for some extra rest, coffee, then prayer time. Monday and Tuesdays are typical: an easy day run before working, swim at lunch, work, ride late afternoon. Boys home on Wednesday!!

I read ~ and see art, breathe, listen to my boys, etc ~ in regards to marriage, and that it is sacred… This was bit from an article about business / politics:

We see leaders when we see who is fighting for ideas that matter. Not the person who is asking permission to fight for ideas, or the person who is chartered with that role, or the person who plays within the lines for what ideas are well-liked, does the self-serving vs. the selfless, or the person who compromises to fit into what others are ready to hear.

Lead the ideas that matter.

I hope my boys will see a father that stands for ideals, that holds to those ideals regardless of the decisions or the actions of others.

Full article at Yes & Know

 
Ben’s heart failed days after posting this video, at Christmas 2011. He is with God.

[Revised the Merry Christmas chaulk board art by taking out the angel, and adding the above]

Boys and I were talking about sailing stories over the weekend, of the boat we sold two years ago. We were driving over the same bridge we’d pass on the water going back into our boat’s slip. I was reminded of the Coolest Sailing Chick ever!

We’d sailed to Egmont Key as our son’s first overnight on our sailboat. We had a great sail south to the island. Anchored off and swam in to explore the old forts. Fished from the back of the boat, made a nice dinner, and relaxed through the evening. The waters were calm so being anchored was nice. One of the anchored boats had some music going for all to enjoy… And stars at anchor beat any other local view! We went to the island again the next morning, played around, and fished again. He was thrilled with his first catch, and happy to release.

During our sail home, the wind had not filled in at all so we motored back towards the pass. About halfway home the engine shut off, wouldn’t start back up… I’d later find the culprit in some old wiring, separate from where I’d thought the likely cause had come from… So for our return, we had a building wind to allow us to sail back home.

Everyone was still happy and having fun, even if I couldn’t get the motor happy. We made our way to the pass into the intercoastal on a downwind heading with light winds – slow sailing… As we entered the intercoastal, we were able to reach north with better sailing. Unfortunately my image of the last legs of our sail didn’t look good. The west wind would mean a very narrow upwind leg parallel to a bridge, and then a couple of hard lines tracing through the canal community to get back to the slip – not impossible, and anchoring to allow for a wind shift was an option with plenty of time. I’d also spent years sailing racing boats, and using no power to return to their slips – but with a full racing crew…

The wind had filled in a little as we came to the upwind narrow bridge leg and we set to our plan. Nicole would tack the sails after I helmed-over and released the sheet. We had some tight lines and the wind was lighter inside the narrow waters, but our tacks were perfect and there were many! Helm-over, sheet-in, repeat… After getting through the bridge section we made a line though a canal. There was barely enough angle off the wind to allow us through, and we needing each lift to squeeze past the moored boats. At the end of that canal we made an easy reach back to the left, then downwind into the slip. We were quickly dropping sails on the approach as we picked up speed. Rocked the helm to break off some speed, then into the slip too fast to grab a line to stop completely. Good day for a low tide – the silty bottom caught the keel as we eased into the shallow just past the usual position of the boat. We’re here!

Dead engine, congested waterways, perfect tacks, tight sailing, young son in the midst of our swinging boom, and not a complaint through it all! That’s a great day for our son, and a hot wife!

Sailing into Eagle Harbor, Bainbridge Island - while in Seattle

In Saint Pete after our second son ~

Nicole in a pirate top from the boys and I! Gulfport Marina

Shouldn’t Look Like this – the bluff at Friday Harbor House where Nicole and I married – record snow…

[Show as slideshow]

Today Nicole called to ask if I’d consider going to a counselor together… I tried to find out what she wanted to achieve in going together now, but she’d only say we could talk about things without escalating to conflict. I’d pointed out there had been no such conversations lately. She mentioned my text where I commented on the view from her house, simply commenting on the humor in her location, dropped it nothing more. I asked what specifically she needed to discuss but she refused to provide any answer.

In her latest emails, I’ve been vilainized for Christmas gifts to Logan, and she sent a couple of emails trying to draw me into an antagonistic conversation. The first one referring to a response where I did not point out her blatant lie about email access during Christmas, and another regarding an opportunity to switch nights with our younger boy for the others field trip. She had emailed back to demand the specifics of date and times and agreements in writing for any such switch – didn’t reply – obvious that we’d make arrangements later, or maybe I’ll have a friend stay the night.

If it were not for football on Saturdays, we would not see each other at all – exchange is through school days, and we have not seen her at church in sometime.

I tried to look at going to joint counseling as an opportunity, however, it reeked of the lunch invite where she had so completely torn me down. Now I am no longer so beat down that she could pull that off, but what is this opportunity…?

Talked to my parents and sister, and to my buddy Sean – all say no to counseling together – if it is meant to be an opportunity, it is for me to stand up and say I have no need to have a mediator for anything she has to say. It’d be fine if she’d like to use counseling to work out her approach to any conversation she feels necessary, but I need not be there.

My going to counseling with her would step me back because my unspoken hope would be for a change to come to her… If that is occurring, it is for her to work out, but more likely just her chance to keep that in my head. She’s a counselor and knows that if she ‘wants me to move on’ – then she needs to let it go.

The New Year focus given to me in prayer remains: ‘Be the very best dad possible, and that everything else will fall into place. ~ Let go, Let God”. I am focused on living to that alone. Anything else is a distraction, a deviation to my healing, succeeding, and providing for my boys in every way possible.

In our opportunity for productive counseling before the divorce, she stonewalled the counselor while fully involved with a person outside of our marriage. She was so determined for destruction there was no reaching her, even with the incredible counselor we had finally found.

She accepted the life we’d have together when she pursued an affair. Working together with a counselor will only bring all of that past to the surface again. It already has as I realize my jaw is locked tight just writing this…

In reply to her request for an appointment:

Hello Nicole,

Wesley

The Successful Dad
(Author unknown, as appeared in S. Truett Cathy’s book)

I may never be as clever as my
neighbor down the street,
I may never be as wealthy as some
other men I meet.
I may never have the glory that some
other men have had,
But I’ve just got to be successful as
that little fellow’s dad.

There are certain dreams I cherish,
that I’d like to see come true,
There are things I would like to do.
There are things I would like to
accomplish before my earthly life is through.
But the task I’ve set my heart on is
to guide a little lad,
To make myself successful as that
little fellow’s dad.

Oh, I may never come to glory, I may
never gather gold,
And when my business life is over,
I may be considered a failure as told.
But the task I’ve set my heart on is
to guide a little lad,
To make myself successful as that
little fellow’s dad.

It’s the one job that I dream of,
The task I think of most,
For if I fail that little fellow,
I have nothing else to boast.
For the wealth and fame I’d gather,
all my fortune would be sad,
If I fail to be successful as that
little fellow’s dad.

Today I read S. Truett Cathy’s book, It’s Better To build Boys Than Mend Men. He is founder of Chick-fil-a and has devoted much of his life to good works centered around fatherless boys – foster homes, orphanages, camps.

His book, much like others on my list, is too filled with good advice to try to talk about in detail. I do like his WIN – What’s Important Now aspect to daily interaction with your kids – to focus on their time, their conversations, their needs. My son’s are my priority, and how God focused me to look ahead and allow him to handle the rest.

“Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.”
Karen Ravn

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.”
Confucius

Last week I’d asked Nicole to stop by and pick up our son for football. We both go to his practice and games, but its a long stretch for our other son, and I don’t really like having to spend time with her, wearing the wrong ring… And she had some of his football gear anyway. I’d come later with our younger son to se the game. This week, a cold morning, she offered the same ~ I’d pickup our son and she’d follow later with the other. This was my first trip to the house she now lives. having moved again at the end of last year.

So take the story back nearly 12 years ~ We’d just spent an incredible week skiing in Canada, April 2000. Now we laid in each others arms at her little St Pete apartment after a nice evening together. I knew that the conversation I’d have with her tonight would change our lives forever! I loved her, had a job offer in Seattle, I had prayed about our life ahead & been answered, and I had no doubts for what could be ahead – if she would share this life with me! In her apartment that night, I asked her to come to Seattle with me, to begin a life together. [Full story]

Today I sit in my car next to her house, waiting for our son to come join me, looking in front of me at the apartment of that night. The house Nicole now lives has a front view directly to her old place ~ the apartment where we’d laid in each others arms and said yes to a life together.

Today was All Pro Dads breakfast – a second Friday of the month breakfast for dads and their kids at school. I usually take both boys and then spend the day with the 4 year old afterwards.

At the breakfast, they’ll typically show a video clip that relates to the mornings discussion. Today subject was ‘encouragement’ with a video clip of the Darth Vader – The Force: Volkswagen Commercial.

After the video we are given questions to discuss with our kids. How do you try to encourage your kids, how has your dad encouraged you recently, and what part of your life do you need encouragement?

For ‘how has your dad encouraged you lately’, he talked about some quotes we’d given each other a while back. We’d brought them back up last week in relation to some current events, a book I was reading, and the teachings at our church. He had brought home the Edison quote “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up”, and in that conversation, I shared the Henry Ford quote “Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can’t are both right”. He’d found both of those encouraging in some way in regards to the divorce.

When discussing where do you need encouragement, he was more sheepish. He gave some answer about something he needs little help if any ~ I don’t remember, only because the conversation got deeper quickly. I asked if there was something else where he could really use some help, and he said ‘to be happy when at mom’s house…’ I said something like ‘come on, you have fun there and mom really loves you and wants you to enjoy your time there’. He said it was about ‘the-one-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken’~~~ that’s a Harry Potter reference of the evil character Voldemort…

The boys had started including references to time spent with the person whom Nicole had left our marriage and family. I asked that we not talk about him – really meaning just in general conversation. That’s when my son referenced Voldemort. I am new at this kind of crap so I should have been more specific about not wanting to have Voldemort in general conversation, and then followed with assurances that they could talk to me about anything, particularly if unhappy about something. I do give those assurances but didn’t within that specific conversation.

He is really upset about the time he has to spend with Voldemort, and that relationship with Nicole. He has been very clear and insightful in regards to all that has happened and how he feels, but has felt restricted in being able to talk about Voldemort specifically.

I explained my misstep and assured him that he could always talk to me about anything, including Steve. But our time was short with school about to start and he wasn’t with me this weekend. We’ll talk again when he is back home – hard not to say ‘don’t worry about him, he won’t be around long enough to spend your time or effort”.

Additional All Pro Dads link: Overcome a Painful Past

My older son long ago said he wanted to have 24 kids when he grows up. We’ve laughed about the wife that would take, and obviously, he sees the difficulty in sustaining marriage. But the number still remains the same, as does his goal of being career military.

In conversation the other night about God working in our lives, the military and his 24 kids came up. I assured him that the number ’24′ would indeed come back to him in his life, maybe not as 24 sons and daughters, but as the 24 kids he’d proclaimed. What his path will be is not known, but watch for the 24 ~ 24 soldiers in your command, 24 kids at an orphanage you sponsor, 24 kids in a classroom, 24 employees, maybe 24 kids + grand-kids ~ he will have his 24 kids!

I just read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.

So much of his advise was on target for me that I’d be re-printing much of the book to start talking about it all here – read the book!

Hi Wesley,

LR and BA’s mom,
Nicole

IF this was to have been about the gun, the BB gun – the same type now used at Scouting events, at his friends houses at birthday parties, and not a rifle as I had when this age – she could have simply said: I understand you got our son a BB gun, could you tell me about that decision? But this was again striking out at me, trying to get me to respond at the same level, justifying her decisions, villainizing me.

Had her approach been of concern, I could’ve told her about learning responsibility through proper gun handling, use, and storage. The same lessons I’d learned growing up, and the same as I’d just been refreshed with through a trip to the shooting range with a friend that is career Air Force. That’s the main reason I thought of the gun – he hadn’t asked for one this year. I was reminded of the heavier weight of lessons learned regarding weapons and the responsibility to be extremely focused and careful in their use – no chance for simple mistakes.

It is a great teaching opportunity, much like faithfulness in the marriages of my parents, grand parents, aunts, and uncles 50+ years together! The southern roots come out – shooting, part of growing up / faithfulness, part of being grown up (though the two should never overlap! Ha!)